My Only Friend, The End

College graduation is approaching, and yet it feels more like doomsday. At the end of a long session in the education game the time has come to cash out the chips, but it's hard to tell if I'm winning or losing. I sense that my shortcomings in academic performance may soon be coming to bear in a very real way, perhaps for the first time. Instead of anticipating the future with a sense of eagerness I feel racked by aprehension, guilt, fear, regret - frozen by the constant psychological torment of self-examination.

I am constantly confronted with the idea of "accomplishment," and I fear that I will never accomplish anything of true validity (graduating from college DOES NOT COUNT). This stems from a realization that my own portfolio of previous accomplishments, once held in high regard by myself, amount to very very little. My understanding of the most basic and unilateral human accomplishment is one of procreation - perpetuating the species. Even (especially?) that task seems to hold little prospect.

In effect, the model for life presented by the Verve in "Bittersweet Symphony" has occupied my thoughts. The line goes, "You try to make ends meet / You're a slave to money, then you die." At Calvin we are taught the ideology of vocation - serving God's kingdom in our occupation. I'm all about it in theory...on a basic philosophical level this way of thinking is both applicable and beneficial to humanity. However, as well exhibited in my own life, the gap between saying and doing is often of unreachable span. I do believe that I have unique talents and am capable of rendering useful, productive, essential contribution to the world. I now understand that the world is not going to come knocking, requesting and pleading for that contribution. If I want to fulfill a life of accomplishment I must go forth and enact my own path - pushing rather than being pushed. Needless to say, my pushing muscles need some serious toning.

P.S. - No more than 10 minutes after first publishing this post I was reading in the coffee shop when "Bittersweet Symphony" played. I am finding such coinciedences to be occurring in increased concentration, and I have begun to think of such incidences more as synchronicity than coincidence. Everything under the sun is in tune?